It took me almost a month to write something here.

Not because I had nothing to write about but the opposite. There was probably too much, and for a change, after a long time, I was afraid of putting some of it into words; in public.

Writing has always made things a little too real for me. A thought can comfortably float around in my head for weeks, but the moment I write it down, I have to acknowledge that it exists. This past month had a few things I wasn't quite ready to acknowledge.

There was pressure. Some of it financial, some of it work, and some of it the kind that doesn't really have a name. There are also a few things happening quietly in the background that I cannot write about yet. Maybe I will someday. For now, they can stay outside this blog.

Life, thankfully, continued around all of that. Hemanth has been my backbone.

We watched a couple of movies. The Odyssey and Spider-Man: Brand New Day made it to the list. I also managed to squeeze in an international trip somewhere in between everything else. There is a lot I want to write about that trip, but it deserves a post of its own, so I am going to leave that story for later.

One thing the trip did was send me down a completely unexpected rabbit hole: the Vietnam War.

I kept reading and asking questions about it while I was travelling. One answer led to another question, and suddenly I wanted to understand how a relatively small country had lived through the French, Japanese occupation, the division between North and South, and eventually a war involving the United States, China and the Soviet Union. But somewhere along the way, I became less interested in the dates and battles and more interested in what all of it looked like to ordinary people. How do people continue living when history is happening around them? What do they eat? Where do they go? What happens to families? And decades later, how does a country remember something that brutal? I ended up painting a story from it and also bought the book The Sorrow of War, that is actually banned in many countries. Thanks to Vidhya and Jayashree for helping me get my hands on it.

I am curious about it precisely because it isn't trying to explain the war from a textbook's distance. It is supposed to be about memory, loss and what remains in a person after the war itself has ended.

On a much lighter note, I also managed to finish The Order of Time on a beach. There was something almost peculiar reading about time while sitting in front of something as repetitive and timeless as the sea. I had wanted to finish the book for a while, and somehow that became the place where I finally did. One of a kind experience.

Work, meanwhile, has been strange. It is packed, but also somehow not packed. My calendar isn't necessarily overflowing every day, but my head certainly is. Professional work has its rhythm. Personal work, decisions, ideas and things happening behind the scenes have occupied much more space.

This month also made me think a little more about friendships. As I get older, I realise I increasingly value people who are upfront with me. Who don't think twice to approach me. I would much rather deal with an uncomfortable conversation than spend time decoding silence, politeness or ambiguity at this stage of my life.

I am grateful for the friendships I have managed to keep over the years. I am thankful to many. Some people stay. Some drift. Some relationships change shape. Perhaps growing older is also learning not to fight every change.

So yes, a month went by without a post. There were movies, a trip, books, work, money worries, conversations, questions about war and history, a beach, and several things I still cannot write about.

Maybe that's why I couldn't write. I usually come here after I have understood something. This time, I haven't understood everything yet. Some months can simply be lived first and understood later.