This year has been hard for me, especially when it comes to connections. From witnessing a death live, to losing a friend’s mother, to friendships and connections slowly loosening along the way. With some distance, I realise how much effort went into keeping a few connections going, and that feels a little heavy.

Such is life, I guess. Change is constant. But I have been wondering why loss has to hurt so much. Evolutionarily, it makes sense. I read something online: if another human could become neurologically insignificant the moment they were absent, maintaining relationships through temporary separation would become difficult. Maybe that is why we continue to feel the absence long after we know things have changed. We move forward, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we stop missing what was once there.

Years of knowing someone can encode thousands of associations: their voice, particular conversations, being known by them, versions of yourself that existed around them, routines, humour, intellectual companionship, and expectations.

In a sense, I miss something I’ve learned to live without, even though its absence still hurts sometimes